Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

fightingjerryspringercats

I can’t help myself. It all started when I had my daughter. I’m more of a Netflix type of girl, but those first few months with a newborn were rough and I was desperate to put anything on the TV to keep me awake.

Soap opera…flip. Commercial…flip. Daytime talk show with an all women cast…flip. A woman in a wedding gown fighting a stripper over their redneck boyfriend…score!

I don’t have a logical explanation for why I started watching it. It was an awful feeling – one of despair and embarrassment. I felt guilty for watching people degrade themselves in such a manner, but I just couldn’t look away. Maybe, it was the shock value? Maybe, it made me feel better about myself? Or, perhaps it was just the fact that these “guests” reminded me of people I knew. For whatever reason, I continued to watch.

Like most people, I hate humiliation, I even hate watching other people be humiliated, but Jerry made me feel better about it. He sprinkled humor into the foul situations in which these guests became entangled. He’s always so witty. I know it’s a trashy, sleazy show, but every day at noon, I would tune in. It was a surprise every time.

It became an addiction that spiraled out of control. I found myself watching Youtube videos of old episodes. I would try to get my daughter to nap before it came on so I could watch it without disturbance. With my cup of coffee, 5-day old pajamas, and my tangled and barely brushed hair, I would plop on the couch to indulge. I was elated when I heard that introduction. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! I was disgusted with myself, but I continued anyway.

I never could admit to others that I liked it. I treated it like people treat pornography. Whenever someone walked into the room I would turn the channel quickly or close my laptop. I know that if anyone found out, they would ask me the dreaded question: Why do you watch that crap?

I DON’T KNOW!!!

Finally, the time came for me to stop. Or, so I thought. There was one episode that made me feel so guilty that I actually had trouble sleeping that night. There was an image that to this day, I still can’t forget.

There was a woman who was easily 300 lbs., dressed in a bikini, dancing in a pool of butter. Yes, you read that right. She told this guy, whom she slept with once, that she would do anything to have him again; she would dance for him. They brought out a plastic pool filled with sticks of butter and she just swayed in the pool. The guy’s fiance came on stage to confront the man, and while this was happening, the girl just danced in the background. Falling and swaying, falling and swaying. As time went on it got worse. She spent more time standing back up than anything else. You can see the look in her eyes as the audience just kept laughing. I did not find it funny. Why would she subject herself to such ridicule? Why would she humiliate herself on live television? It was one of the saddest things I ever watched. That’s it Jerry, you went too far!

I went through withdrawals for about a week, choosing to watch random picks on Netflix instead. But, one day I was surfing Youtube and for my suggested videos, I saw it. There it was, right in front of me. The temptation was too much and I clicked it. A woman was yelling at another woman and her dentures fell out onto the stage. (Go ahead and Google it) I don’t know why I laughed, but it was hilarious. And just like that, I fell off the wagon.

However, today is definitely the day I stop. My now 18 month old daughter was playing in the living room. I never let her watch Jerry Springer, but I know that she has heard it from the playroom from time-to-time. As she was singing happily to her stuffed animal, the introduction to the show came on. When it went to a commercial, I faintly heard my baby girl say, “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry”.

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Maybe, it’s because I’m Blonde?

grenade

 

Maybe, it’s because I’m blonde?

Nah!

It’s actually because there is a broken circuit in my mind somewhere that makes me do some really stupid stuff. I don’t just mean stupid as in putting a fork in the freezer or forgetting that I let the dog out an hour ago. I mean stupid, as in the dictionary definition of it.

a :  slow of mind

b :  given to unintelligent decisions or acts :  acting in an unintelligent or careless manner

c :  lacking intelligence or reason 

I know, it seems a bit harsh to be admitting to the world that I am, indeed, quite air-headed at times. I am a college graduate, yet can sometimes make worse decisions that a toddler. I know that the color of my hair matters very little in my decision making skills, but damn, can’t I just hang on to that excuse for just a little while longer?

Alright folks, I’ll relieve the suspense. So, what on Earth could I have done to warrant such a self-proclaiming lack of intelligence? Well…let’s begin with small stuff.

  • The very first month I started dating my boyfriend, I asked him to help me carry a couple baskets of clothes into the laundry room downstairs. Being the gentleman that he is, he obliged with no complaints. After my laundry tasks were complete, I opened up the bottle of liquid fabric softener (to be clear, I have never used it in my life until this point) and poured some into the cap. I then proceeded to empty the fabric softener into…here’s the kicker…the DRYER. My boyfriend looked appalled. “You realize you put that in the dryer, right?” he asked confusingly. “Yea.” I replied in a quick moment of panic. Although, I was a liquid fabric softener virgin, I tried to come up with a firm, unyielding reply. “I do it all the time.” He laughed, I laughed, but while I laughed I realized that I never read the back of the bottle. How could anyone in their right mind believe that this was the normal way to use this item? Well, I guess that’s the type of thing that happens when you’re me.

Thankfully, my boyfriend stuck around. For at least a good 15 minutes, I sat in the living room, face burning like wildfire, reading the back of the bottle. I was clearly, very, very wrong.

It’s sad to say that the fabric softener incident was just a few drops of water in the stupidity bucket. You might be thinking, “Well, Rhonda, it probably doesn’t get much worse than that!” But, it does. It really does.

  • One day I stopped at my local pet store to buy a bag of dog food. After lugging the heavy bag to the register, my stomach started rumbling–my lack of eating throughout the day was getting the best of me. I was starving! As the lady was ringing me out, I noticed a beautiful, delightfully decorated basket at the end of the line. Freshly made Buckeyes! 50 cents a piece! All proceeds went to the local animal shelters. I love Buckeyes! There they were, staring me down with their peanut butter and chocolate elegance, I was a sucker and bought four of them. I was so hungry that I put my bag of dog food in the back of my car and reached in the bag. The Buckeyes were huge, just glaring back at me, daring me to take a bite. Before I even made it to my seat in the car, I took one big bite and chewed…and chewed…and chewed. How odd. It was grainy, kind of tasteless, but it did not register in my mind that it might be a dog treat. For a split second I even thought that maybe this was some strange adaptation of the classic treat. It took at least one more chew before I spit it out. Yes folks, I ate half of a homemade dog treat. Damn you pet store, damn you…

Now, you might be laughing, or you might be grossed out. You might even be sitting behind your computer screen wondering why I would share these embarrassing moments with the world. Well, this year for New Year’s I’ve decided that I need to work on being more myself. I want to stop feeling all of that pressure to hide the parts of my personality that are actually quintessential to my being, whether I like it or not.

Maybe, I do some of theses things because I’m blonde. But, realistically I do these things because at times, I’m stupid. Going back to the definition:

a :  slow of mind   I was certainly slow about realizing that the Buckeye was not for human consumption. Remember, I chewed it several times.

b :  given to unintelligent decisions or acts :  acting in an unintelligent or careless manner – I was in a hurry to do laundry. I didn’t even read the instructions before I dumped it all over my freshly washed clothes. (unintelligible decision or act and careless manner)

c :  lacking intelligence or reason – I have no idea why I do this stuff. Just to remind you, these are only 2 of many, many stories. (Lack of reason)

I think that all of us can be stupid from time to time, but I also think that some of us show it more than others 😉